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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Thursday, September 26, 2002
Close to having David open up some. And then boom. He backs off. Just like always.
Note my interest about the drawing drunk. That was the night he was drawing the old man. That was the night he and I first talked about our sexuality. While he was drunk. I didn’t know that until now. Kinda hurts me, you know? I’ve never had an intimate moment without his being drunk. And it pains me to see him in such a level of self-denial and hiding that he can only let out his creative side (both with art and with conversation, thought, etc.) when drinking.
Sigh.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:27:01 PM): heya freak how are ya?
lexcofireman (10:28:10 PM): I'm pretty good
lexcofireman (10:28:12 PM): you?
BobTheDecoyFish (10:28:31 PM): I'm great
lexcofireman (10:28:38 PM): good to hear
BobTheDecoyFish (10:29:52 PM): Having a good week?
lexcofireman (10:30:54 PM): pretty good
lexcofireman (10:31:02 PM): nothing has really happened
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:04 PM): good.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:08 PM): yeah
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:16 PM): that can be good, though
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:31 PM): i hate that you can't get oout much. at least now you have the car to mess with.
lexcofireman (10:31:38 PM): yeah
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:45 PM): and the fire house
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:52 PM): how are things going there?
lexcofireman (10:31:56 PM): fine
lexcofireman (10:32:03 PM): nothing too exciting
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:11 PM): yeah how's the training?
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:26 PM): how long does your EMS class last?
lexcofireman (10:32:28 PM): I have EMT starting monday
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:42 PM): damn. I typed EMT then changed it to EMS.
lexcofireman (10:33:37 PM): till mid february
BobTheDecoyFish (10:33:37 PM): Buying one of these SOON... http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/AppleStore.woa/221/wo/l4t3f0Y5fcZHek6lRk1/0.3.0.3.34.21.1.3.19.3.1.1.0?30,3
BobTheDecoyFish (10:34:08 PM): wow. not too long, not too short.
lexcofireman (10:34:35 PM): cool
BobTheDecoyFish (10:35:01 PM): don't know why I shared that with you. lol
lexcofireman (10:35:45 PM): I need a big bottle of Hot Damn so I can start drawing again
BobTheDecoyFish (10:35:51 PM): lol
lexcofireman (10:36:06 PM): I draw so much better when I'm half drunk
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:12 PM): I still want a drawing of yours.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:20 PM): Did you draw the old man half drunk?
lexcofireman (10:36:22 PM): I cleaned my desk today
lexcofireman (10:36:23 PM): yep
lexcofireman (10:36:29 PM): well
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:30 PM): oh
lexcofireman (10:36:34 PM): I started fully drunk
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:40 PM): oh
lexcofireman (10:36:43 PM): by the time I had finished, most of it had warn off
lexcofireman (10:36:47 PM): worn
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:59 PM): yeah I can see that now, thinking back.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:37:16 PM): so. cleaned the desk, getting ready to draw?
lexcofireman (10:37:23 PM): yep
lexcofireman (10:37:31 PM): just need something to draw and some liquor
BobTheDecoyFish (10:37:44 PM): gonna do so tonight?
lexcofireman (10:37:57 PM): nope
lexcofireman (10:38:02 PM): got no liquor
BobTheDecoyFish (10:38:06 PM): ah
BobTheDecoyFish (10:39:17 PM): I guess you';ll have to do something about that
lexcofireman (10:39:52 PM): yes
BobTheDecoyFish (10:41:01 PM): heh
BobTheDecoyFish (10:41:50 PM): so, uh, what else
lexcofireman (10:42:29 PM): hmm
BobTheDecoyFish (10:44:24 PM): yes i agree
lexcofireman (10:44:51 PM): there's not much else
BobTheDecoyFish (10:45:00 PM): there's always somethign else.
lexcofireman (10:45:25 PM): true, but none of its coming to mind
BobTheDecoyFish (10:46:00 PM): heh
BobTheDecoyFish (10:47:47 PM): you trip me out, mr ziegler
lexcofireman (10:47:56 PM): oh?
BobTheDecoyFish (10:48:14 PM): i wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.
lexcofireman (10:48:32 PM): I'm just not certain what it means
BobTheDecoyFish (10:48:47 PM): it means a lot of stuff.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:50:28 PM): i hate it when I say stuff like that. sorry
lexcofireman (10:50:37 PM): lol
BobTheDecoyFish (10:51:20 PM): I just didn't want to list what 'stuff' I meant...
lexcofireman (10:51:39 PM): ah
BobTheDecoyFish (10:52:32 PM): mainly I meant you're fun to talk to 'cause you've got a certain depth to your personality that slips out every now and then.
lexcofireman (10:53:29 PM): don't you hate it when your walking along in knee deep water then allofasudden without warning you fall into a hole thats deeper than you are tall?
BobTheDecoyFish (10:53:45 PM): yeah that sucks....
BobTheDecoyFish (10:53:52 PM): but it can be fun, too.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:53:57 PM): i assume you meant it as a metaphor?
lexcofireman (10:54:04 PM): perhaps
lexcofireman (10:54:06 PM): perhaps not
BobTheDecoyFish (10:54:29 PM): see, that's exactly what I mean.
lexcofireman (10:54:49 PM): got a call
BobTheDecoyFish (10:54:56 PM): k
“lexcofireman” signed off at 10:55:08 PM.
10:56 PM
I remain alone and with Doug so absent, I am alone. Mordechai made me feel better last night, as we talked about personal things and how dumb I am for falling for Justin. Dumb. I emailed Justin last night about how I like him. I haven't heard from him on a personal level since the day we spoke. Last night's show was painful for me. 'Cause I took off my blinders and watched. And he was just as sweet and nice to everyone else as he is to me. And I know I have privileged info, like a phone number and all... And I hope we'll be friends-- I really do... But... I don't feel quite as special anymore and that is all I want in life. To feel special to someone on a deep level and I don't really think anyone has ever been really in love with me and that sort of hurts. No. It hurts a lot. More than I can articulate. I've certainly never been mutually in love with someone and as days, weeks, months, years go by, I feel I never will be. That I am alone and will feel that empitness forever. And I don't know if it's my own fault or if not, but it doesn't matter.
Maybe my standards are too high. I do have a propensity for falling for people who are often out of my league," if that's a safe phrase to use. It's a psychological thing, I think. Like, if I never date them, I'll never feel the pain of when they leave me. And people who do like me, I usually don't like. Not anything against them. It's just more screwed-up-Nick-ness. Like, if they like me, who is so undeserving, what is their problem? Why do they see me as something worth liking? And if they have such low standards, why should I bother?
I know I have poor, poor self esteem. Poor. I feel that being in better shape would alleviate that. I do. But maybe not.
I feel alone. Shattered and in pieces and alone.
10:59 AM
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
Sigh. Justin. I have a crush and I can't shake it. I thought I had. I told him I had one on him and he said "Oh. Sorry. Didn't know I did that."
He didn't. I did. He's just him and I'm just me. And the fact that I've seen him all the way naked several times doesn't help. He's way cute. But when he's doing his show, I sort of turn off the idea of it being Justin and remember that it's SKY. Not Justin. But just the guy he's playing. I'll still interact with him, but nothing sexual. 'Cause it feels weird to think of him like that while every one else is, too.
So I think ahout him later. But not so much sexually. Just ABOUT him and what we've talked about and what I'd like to talk about or what I'd like to tell him or how I'd make him laugh or how he'd make me smile. Or how he'd tell me about this one Christmas he had or I'd tell him about the time my dad ran over my leg.
And so, I think about Justin. Not Sky. About the person. Not the body. He's a person to me, and I like the person. I had a crush on the bidy and the little bit of person I'd met in the chat room. And then i got over it, especially after I told him about it. But then, I got to know Sky some. And thus, the crush begins again. But it's different. When Sky gets naked, Nick goes into a place where it doesn't affect me. Last night, he was conning everyone (teasing, really) into getting naked while he was naked. I really didn't want to, 'cause it feels sort of wrong to me. I know it's stupid. I know it's ridiculous. And I know he can't see me and it's all a show and not important. But it's important to me and I don't want to make my relationship with Justin cheap or something.
So I think about Justin. And so I want to talk to Justin. I want Justin to tell me everything will be okay when nothing is. I want to imagine his smiling to make me feel better.
And I know it's dumb 'cause Justin's dating John. And Justin'd never want to date me. Justin's out of my league.
But I can be Justin's friend. We can laugh and his smile can help anyway. But right now, I'd like more. Or a chance. I dunno. I wish I knew how he felt. I wish we were close enough that this wasn't an issue. I wish this crush was over. Or that I was as cute as Justin and he'd be attracted to me.
I wish he'd call me.
1:09 PM
Monday, September 23, 2002
I hate hard decisions. Hate them hate them hate them. And I hate that I'm a nice person and that I always just want to make others feel good and that no matter how adamant I am about something, I'll always be unselfish and give in. My heart is too big to be an asshole. My brain is too stubborn not to be one. So I have these damned decisions some times and they really just make good sense except that I want to be selfish. So what am I to do? Where am i to decide? Be good, or be good to myself? I mean, what makes us good people... it's helping others, right? It's making an impact in others' lives. Not your own. I mean, yes, YOU matters. But not in the scope of things. I'd rather help one person 10 times than help myself once.
What to do?
2:34 PM
Sunday, September 22, 2002
Okay I'm friends with the guys who run the live streaming jerk off cam on badpuppy.com. LOL I know, right? But the guys are really cool and I've spoken witht hem on the phone, etc. Anyway, so much drama. And I always invite it in. I'm glad they think I'm cool, though....
1:07 AM
Friday, September 20, 2002
Yay! Sky wrote me back and he was really nice. Phew.
4:25 PM
There's a lot going on in my mind about private stuff. But one I want to address:
My crush on Sky, the guy who gives a public jerk off show every night on Badpuppy.
Now, remove that rather ridiculous point and it won't seem so bad that i have a semi crush on someone I don't know. But I talk to Sky for an hour every day. I see him, I seem him laugh, make jokes, smile. I also see him cum. But that's, as I said, beside the point.
He'd never go for me. Too cute. But I feel the desire to be protective of him. To care for him. How stupid is that? I mean, good god, am I so moronic that I fall for someone just like THAT? At the slightest inkling of attention? I mean, yes, Sky's nice, and talks to me. But I'm getting all upset 'cause he hasn't returned my emails. And I get JEALOUS when he talks to other people in the chat room.
Sigh. What's wrong with me?
3:43 PM
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
I have to question my motives for helping David. And, I have to hope I really have helped. I'm gonna call him tonight to see if I helped. But am I helping because he's my friend? Hmm. Yes. But am I wanting more still? I think so. God, why can't I get past him? There's so much between us-- so much pain and closeness and all kinds... That I can't sort it out and I feel bad and guilty for still liking him. Still hoping. Because I tell him I don't. Becuase I know that's the only way we can be friends. And 'friends' IS what I want. I'm not substituting friendship for a psuedo relationship. But I am so confused by him and I don't know what to do. I wish he'd kiss me. But I know it'd bring more pain with it. Maybe he's a different person now, like he says. Maybe I shouldn't think about it.
Maybe.
3:40 PM
BobTheDecoyFish (10:01:07 PM): Hey! I got the gig fromt he other day, and just got another gig. This one is only three grand,t hough.
lexcofireman (10:01:45 PM): still not bad
BobTheDecoyFish (10:01:59 PM): nope. pays my car payment for a year
lexcofireman (10:02:04 PM): nice
BobTheDecoyFish (10:02:42 PM): yah. And the other one-- the first one-- pays rent for a year
BobTheDecoyFish (10:02:47 PM): So I'm set for no roommate.
lexcofireman (10:02:53 PM): not too bad
BobTheDecoyFish (10:02:59 PM): So anyway, just wanted to share my news!
BobTheDecoyFish (10:03:07 PM): How ya doing?
lexcofireman (10:03:37 PM): feel free to give donations to the Make David Happy fund!
BobTheDecoyFish (10:04:03 PM): haha any time you need something, just ask
lexcofireman (10:04:44 PM): thanks--I was just kidding
BobTheDecoyFish (10:05:10 PM): i know. I wasn't though.
lexcofireman (10:05:47 PM): I appreciate it
BobTheDecoyFish (10:06:59 PM): yep. friends are for that, etc.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:09:30 PM): doing okay?
lexcofireman (10:09:48 PM): yeah
BobTheDecoyFish (10:10:28 PM): I'm glad to hear it. And I mean that.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:12:54 PM): And yes, I know it bothers you when I say stuff like that. Sorry
lexcofireman (10:13:05 PM): heh
BobTheDecoyFish (10:13:39 PM): haha
BobTheDecoyFish (10:14:10 PM): Just for the record, I want to be FRIENDS. That's all. But I want us to be back to where were were earlier in the year. We still have the same opinions on stuff and all.
lexcofireman (10:15:07 PM): I know--I just don't have a social life right now. Its not that I don't want to hang out with you, its just that I don't hang out with anyone right now
BobTheDecoyFish (10:15:19 PM): yeah I know.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:15:33 PM): But I do know we're sort of awkward. But we can always chat here and stuff
lexcofireman (10:16:27 PM): and it is nice to chat with you-you actually think about things....not just MTV and all that crap
BobTheDecoyFish (10:17:05 PM): yeah Thanks. That's REALLY a great compliment.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:17:22 PM): I feel the same about you. Beyond that exterior of "everything's cool" you're actually THINKING about stuff.
lexcofireman (10:17:41 PM): heh, not always
lexcofireman (10:17:52 PM): sometimes I can go all day and never wake up!
BobTheDecoyFish (10:18:04 PM): Well no one ALWAYS is. But you have real opinions and real thoughts. And most people don't
BobTheDecoyFish (10:21:08 PM): i was SO bored at work today. So I went most of the day not thinking, either. I just read comics all day
lexcofireman (10:21:19 PM): what a job
BobTheDecoyFish (10:21:56 PM): Yeah, well i had to do some creative billing to get by with that
lexcofireman (10:22:18 PM): heh
lexcofireman (10:24:30 PM): I've been thinking about my life...
BobTheDecoyFish (10:25:00 PM): oh?
lexcofireman (10:25:07 PM): I either want to get a job with the county (firefighter) or join the marines. But before I do either I have to work out this legal crap
BobTheDecoyFish (10:25:56 PM): legal crap?
lexcofireman (10:26:14 PM): the stuff that I never told you about---the reason andrew and I don't talk anymore
BobTheDecoyFish (10:26:40 PM): Oh.
lexcofireman (10:27:15 PM): the reason I'm in debt
lexcofireman (10:27:26 PM): lawyers fees suck
BobTheDecoyFish (10:27:36 PM): it's great to get fed little pieces of info that don't make sense.
lexcofireman (10:27:56 PM): heh
lexcofireman (10:27:59 PM): I bet
BobTheDecoyFish (10:28:10 PM):
lexcofireman (10:28:25 PM): criminal charges are hard to get rid of....even with county connections
BobTheDecoyFish (10:28:37 PM): but anyway, I've thought it would make sense for you to go into the military, but often people in the military lose a lot of independent thought.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:28:45 PM): criminal charges? What happened?
lexcofireman (10:29:41 PM): credit card scheme of andrews that I was dumb enough to get involved in thinking I couldn't be charged with anything if he got caught but then he ratted me out
BobTheDecoyFish (10:29:59 PM): oh. man.
lexcofireman (10:30:30 PM): he wrote a full confession, but the way he worded it made it sound like I was in on it from the beginning, which is where the criminal conspiracy charges came in
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:08 PM): geez.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:11 PM): Wow.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:15 PM): I don't knnow what to say.
lexcofireman (10:31:21 PM): not much to say
lexcofireman (10:31:26 PM): I screwed up
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:32 PM): I'm surprised he pushed it back on you if it were his idea.
lexcofireman (10:31:35 PM): now I just have to do my best to work it out
lexcofireman (10:31:36 PM): yeah
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:37 PM): No, people make mistakes.
lexcofireman (10:31:39 PM): me too
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:41 PM): I'm not worried about that
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:48 PM): Things happen. We learn from them
lexcofireman (10:31:51 PM): he really fucked me over on this one
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:55 PM): I'm most upset about your friendhsip
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:56 PM): Yeah
lexcofireman (10:32:17 PM): he could have saved me on this-kept me completely out of it
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:32 PM): Yeah. Did he get some deal for fingering you?
lexcofireman (10:32:35 PM): he got caught, not me
lexcofireman (10:32:37 PM): don't know
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:41 PM): I mean,t his is crazy. Wow.
lexcofireman (10:32:49 PM): I'm not allowed to have any contact with him
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:56 PM): Wow.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:33:00 PM): By whose order?
lexcofireman (10:33:56 PM): lawyers advice, parents order
BobTheDecoyFish (10:35:29 PM): ah. wow. Well, I'm sorry it all happened
lexcofireman (10:36:07 PM): just so you know: jail sucks
lexcofireman (10:36:12 PM): worst weekend of my life
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:16 PM): You were in jail??
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:20 PM): Damn.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:38 PM): Well, maybe some good willcome of it. I was really, really worried about both of you and how you liked to go do some borderling stuff.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:41 PM): borderline
lexcofireman (10:36:56 PM): we obliterated the border on that one
lexcofireman (10:37:19 PM): I will never even go near the border again
BobTheDecoyFish (10:37:39 PM): Good. I was really worried about your future
lexcofireman (10:37:56 PM): I had a powerful wake-up call
BobTheDecoyFish (10:38:03 PM): Yeah. Good, I guess.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:38:23 PM): You're a great person, and I'd hate to see allt hat you can give to the world buried under too many bad decisions.
lexcofireman (10:39:18 PM): thank you
BobTheDecoyFish (10:39:54 PM): no need to thank
BobTheDecoyFish (10:41:09 PM): So. Marines? Really?
lexcofireman (10:41:21 PM): yep, I heard something about a 3-year plan
lexcofireman (10:41:43 PM): nice and short, but still gives me the training and an interesting life experience
BobTheDecoyFish (10:41:52 PM): very true.
lexcofireman (10:42:55 PM): I just can't really see a downside to it, other than putting education on hold for a while
lexcofireman (10:43:04 PM): but its an education in itself
BobTheDecoyFish (10:43:26 PM): true. the only downside *I* see is the mental conditioning... but that's just my opinion.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:43:39 PM): It's been my experience that the military squashes the mind to a large degree.
lexcofireman (10:44:20 PM): I think the discipline would be good for me though-as I am now, I'm not too productive
BobTheDecoyFish (10:44:44 PM): hmm I can't disagree with that. But you ARE very dedicated to the fire service.
lexcofireman (10:45:53 PM): I could take a leave of absence
lexcofireman (10:46:03 PM): I doubt its going to go anywhere
BobTheDecoyFish (10:46:22 PM): Yeah. Have you considered another branch where you could, like, specialize in fire fighting?
lexcofireman (10:47:04 PM): Marines has Crash/Fire/Rescue
lexcofireman (10:47:24 PM): Coast Guard rescue is the only other one that interests me
BobTheDecoyFish (10:47:47 PM): oh. well, cool.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:48:00 PM): I'm glad to hear you've at least looked into it and all. Researched some
lexcofireman (10:49:31 PM): I've met with many a recruiter
BobTheDecoyFish (10:49:50 PM): very cool.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:50:44 PM): you know, David, I'm proud of you.
lexcofireman (10:51:24 PM): its strange to hear that. I've only ever heard that from my parents
BobTheDecoyFish (10:51:45 PM): Sorry for the strangeness. But I mean it.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:52:47 PM): I do consider you a friend, and a close one. And if I could take back all the awkwardness that exists/exissted between us, I would.
lexcofireman (10:53:20 PM): I don't feel awkward anymore
BobTheDecoyFish (10:53:35 PM): good. I am glad to hear that.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:55:27 PM): so are you 'grounded' or just busy?
BobTheDecoyFish (10:55:40 PM): And when did this credit card thing happen? And whose credit card?
lexcofireman (10:55:53 PM): beginning of the summer
lexcofireman (10:55:57 PM): he stole 2
BobTheDecoyFish (10:56:16 PM): oh. man. from Buffalo's?
lexcofireman (10:56:16 PM): busy-but restricted activities
lexcofireman (10:56:16 PM): yep
lexcofireman (10:56:21 PM): got fired
BobTheDecoyFish (10:56:29 PM): Does that explains his sudden decision to "quit"
BobTheDecoyFish (10:56:34 PM): lol okay
BobTheDecoyFish (10:56:44 PM): And does that explain his purchase then return of an XBox?
lexcofireman (10:57:32 PM): yep
BobTheDecoyFish (10:58:02 PM): Ah. Things come together now.
lexcofireman (10:58:36 PM): please understand that this is all priveleged information and should not be shared with anyone else until it is all over
BobTheDecoyFish (10:58:47 PM): oh. yes. definitely. You know that
BobTheDecoyFish (10:58:57 PM): So it's not all over?
lexcofireman (10:59:37 PM): nope, been to jail, out on bail, waiting court date or pre-trial intervention
BobTheDecoyFish (11:00:04 PM): oh.wow. So it's just starting
lexcofireman (11:00:51 PM): pretty much
lexcofireman (11:01:22 PM): I have a connection in the solicitors office and a good attorney, so I'm supposed to be granted PTI as soon as the paperwork gets through
BobTheDecoyFish (11:01:47 PM): Lexingotn County?
lexcofireman (11:02:25 PM): arrested by lex PD (town) but all their stuff goes through general sessions
lexcofireman (11:03:07 PM): thing is, favors have to be done very carefully
lexcofireman (11:03:19 PM): its a delicate situation
BobTheDecoyFish (11:03:23 PM): of course it is
lexcofireman (11:04:18 PM): My connection used to be in the solicitors office but is now great freinds with donnie and jakie, so he still has pull
BobTheDecoyFish (11:09:58 PM): Thanks for sharing that with me.
lexcofireman (11:10:08 PM): no problem
lexcofireman (11:10:35 PM): NEVER, EVER GO TO JAIL!!!!!!!!
BobTheDecoyFish (11:10:50 PM): I don't wanna.
BobTheDecoyFish (11:11:01 PM): What happened that was so bad? I mean, other than the general badness of it
lexcofireman (11:11:41 PM): got the shit beat out of me
BobTheDecoyFish (11:12:04 PM): really?
BobTheDecoyFish (11:12:06 PM): By whom?
lexcofireman (11:12:21 PM): one of my cell mates
BobTheDecoyFish (11:12:35 PM): damn... that doesn't even seem real.
lexcofireman (11:12:46 PM): it does now
lexcofireman (11:12:55 PM): for me I mean
BobTheDecoyFish (11:13:04 PM): I know. I titally believe you and I'm really sorry and I just want to go find the guy and beat his ass.
BobTheDecoyFish (11:13:19 PM): it's horrib;e that crap can happen.
lexcofireman (11:13:32 PM): he has his own problems
lexcofireman (11:13:40 PM): and he didn't get off without a few bruises from me
BobTheDecoyFish (11:13:49 PM): well I wouldn't expect him not to.
BobTheDecoyFish (11:14:10 PM): Why'd you get into a fight?
lexcofireman (11:14:28 PM): he was crazy-didn't want me in the cell
lexcofireman (11:14:47 PM): everytime I about fell asleep he tried to choke me
lexcofireman (11:14:55 PM): he constantly talked to himself
BobTheDecoyFish (11:15:02 PM): god damn
lexcofireman (11:15:02 PM): hallucinated
BobTheDecoyFish (11:15:53 PM): Not thatit helps, but I wish I'd been there to help.
lexcofireman (11:15:58 PM): thanks
lexcofireman (11:16:03 PM): I filed a comlaint
lexcofireman (11:16:15 PM): but I got released before they did anything
BobTheDecoyFish (11:16:22 PM): ah
BobTheDecoyFish (11:16:32 PM): man, I'm sorry ALL of it, the whole situation, happened.
BobTheDecoyFish (11:16:53 PM): And if I could take IT back, I would. But I can't. So I'll just be here for when you need anything.
lexcofireman (11:16:58 PM): I've learned a lot from it
BobTheDecoyFish (11:17:20 PM): I bet
lexcofireman (11:18:32 PM): such as: with enough adrenaling flowing through me, I can throw a grown man off me, halfway across a cell, and into the wall
lexcofireman (11:18:39 PM): adrenaline
BobTheDecoyFish (11:18:46 PM): wow. now I'm definitely proud of you
lexcofireman (11:18:52 PM): heh
BobTheDecoyFish (11:20:45 PM): You're a very good young man when you remember to be, and I wanted to tell you, 'cause I think you don't get told that very often
lexcofireman (11:22:28 PM): thank you
BobTheDecoyFish (11:22:40 PM): you're welcome. I'm not just saying it
BobTheDecoyFish (11:25:08 PM): So anyway... something less heavy.
BobTheDecoyFish (11:25:14 PM): is school going well? having a decent time?
lexcofireman (11:25:30 PM): its not too exciting, but fairly easy still
BobTheDecoyFish (11:25:45 PM): that's good at least.
lexcofireman (11:25:48 PM): oh, I'm cleared to drive two of the fire trucks now
BobTheDecoyFish (11:25:57 PM): Is the credit card thing the reason for switching schools?
lexcofireman (11:26:01 PM): I just need a pump operations class to get the other two
lexcofireman (11:26:03 PM): part of it
BobTheDecoyFish (11:26:12 PM): Oh that's awesome, dude! Congrats!
lexcofireman (11:28:10 PM): thanks
BobTheDecoyFish (11:28:11 PM): You're like, a real fireman.
lexcofireman (11:28:19 PM): heh
lexcofireman (11:28:19 PM): yeah
lexcofireman (11:28:34 PM): I need some sleep
lexcofireman (11:28:38 PM): I'll talk to you later
BobTheDecoyFish (11:28:41 PM): yeah.me, too
BobTheDecoyFish (11:28:43 PM): thanks again.
BobTheDecoyFish (11:28:47 PM): For talking, etc.
BobTheDecoyFish (11:28:50 PM): I'll see ya later
lexcofireman (11:28:55 PM): later man
“lexcofireman” signed off at 11:29:27 PM.
10:52 AM
Monday, September 16, 2002
Hey. Convo below with David. Note should be made that he IMed me. Why does he torture me so? Just tonight I decided to not contact him anymore ‘cause I knew he didn’t want to be friends. And then he IM’s me. What the fuck? Why is it so difficult? And it’s great that he IM’ed me... But why did he do it? Just to say Hey? He never does it. Was he trying to get me to dig a little deeper? I was trying not to... And if ignoring him is what it takes, ‘cause I ignored him earlier today when he signed on, why is that fair? And if he WANTS to be friends, why can’t he just do it? What did I do to him that was so bad? He hurt me, too. Why can’t it be fair?
I am SO fucking tired of trying SO hard with people and them not caring.
lexcofireman (10:18:28 PM): hey man
BobTheDecoyFish (10:18:41 PM): heya
lexcofireman (10:18:52 PM): whats up?
BobTheDecoyFish (10:19:15 PM): nothing much. you?
lexcofireman (10:19:27 PM): just got home from work
BobTheDecoyFish (10:19:34 PM): go well?
lexcofireman (10:19:42 PM): a bit slow
BobTheDecoyFish (10:20:08 PM): eh, too bad. but what can ya do
lexcofireman (10:20:31 PM): hope for better luck next time
BobTheDecoyFish (10:20:47 PM): yah. i meant BESIDES that.
lexcofireman (10:20:55 PM): oh
lexcofireman (10:20:58 PM): not much
BobTheDecoyFish (10:21:03 PM): heh
BobTheDecoyFish (10:22:11 PM): So what's on the mind, oh killer of flame?
lexcofireman (10:22:23 PM): food
BobTheDecoyFish (10:22:49 PM): sounds fun
BobTheDecoyFish (10:23:03 PM): I too am hungryish but have no food
lexcofireman (10:23:20 PM): I have gummy bears
BobTheDecoyFish (10:23:28 PM): haha cool
lexcofireman (10:23:37 PM): umm...had..I just ate the last one
BobTheDecoyFish (10:23:48 PM): ah. such is the way of my life.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:24:03 PM): i shall live vicariously though your gummybeariness
BobTheDecoyFish (10:25:52 PM): So what's been up? Just work/school?
lexcofireman (10:26:11 PM): pretty much
lexcofireman (10:26:18 PM): a lot of work
BobTheDecoyFish (10:28:14 PM): i decided on frosted mini wheats, of which I believe I have to eat 16 bowls to eat the same vitamins as Total.
lexcofireman (10:28:28 PM): hmmm
lexcofireman (10:28:30 PM): good luck
BobTheDecoyFish (10:28:44 PM): Luckily I am uninterested in nutional value.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:28:48 PM): and nutritional
lexcofireman (10:29:01 PM): ah, that too
BobTheDecoyFish (10:29:09 PM): Speaking of work...
BobTheDecoyFish (10:29:15 PM): I got a web gig today that makes life easier
lexcofireman (10:29:33 PM): cool
BobTheDecoyFish (10:29:53 PM): Last week, Daniel (my remianing roommate) got laid off. His car then broke down Thursday, and so he called his mom for money and she told him to move back in with her. So I was thusly screwed.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:30:16 PM): But the same day,t his new client recontacted me, and wanted to proceed, after not hearing from them for WEEEEKS.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:30:26 PM): So it all worked out. Paycheck fromt hem will be enough for rent for a year
BobTheDecoyFish (10:30:45 PM): and another web client called today and wants my help with their web site
lexcofireman (10:30:58 PM): nice
BobTheDecoyFish (10:30:59 PM): But I'm unsure how much I will get out of it
BobTheDecoyFish (10:31:36 PM): yah. i'm exited. Freelance 'career' might actually work out
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:15 PM): So hook up with anyone recently?
lexcofireman (10:32:28 PM): nah
lexcofireman (10:32:35 PM): haven't had any social life at all
BobTheDecoyFish (10:32:41 PM): ah. yeah. that's too bad
BobTheDecoyFish (10:34:34 PM): so what else is up?
lexcofireman (10:35:06 PM): absolutely nothing
lexcofireman (10:35:07 PM): and it sucks
BobTheDecoyFish (10:35:16 PM): Well, do something about it.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:35:31 PM): Ask a girl in class to go out
BobTheDecoyFish (10:35:35 PM): Um, build a fort.
BobTheDecoyFish (10:35:47 PM): uh, take karate lessons
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:12 PM): Is it just school and work taking up all your time?
lexcofireman (10:36:22 PM): and the firehouse
lexcofireman (10:36:27 PM): and homelife
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:29 PM): i lump that in with work
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:38 PM): Home life going well?
lexcofireman (10:36:38 PM): ah. then yes
lexcofireman (10:36:44 PM): fairly
lexcofireman (10:36:47 PM): can't really complain
BobTheDecoyFish (10:36:53 PM): cool. glad to hear
lexcofireman (10:37:03 PM): I need some sleep
BobTheDecoyFish (10:37:08 PM): okay
lexcofireman (10:37:15 PM): later man
BobTheDecoyFish (10:37:22 PM): have a good night, david
BobTheDecoyFish (10:39:20 PM): hope things get less boring and more fun for ya.
lexcofireman (10:39:25 PM): thanks
BobTheDecoyFish (10:39:34 PM): haha anytime
lexcofireman (10:39:31 PM): I'll see you around
BobTheDecoyFish (10:39:38 PM): yah.
“lexcofireman” signed off at 10:40:47 PM.
10:47 PM
Sunday, September 15, 2002
I have this idiotic notion that just because I love someone, they should love me back. And this is so dumb. Everyone I have loved has never loved me back. And I don't mean family, friends, that sort of thing. I mean IN LOVE. No one has ever loved me and I've always been alone and never felt connected to anyone. Like they knew how I feel and how I think and what life means and that they want to love me and learn about me and feel how I feel. No one that i have loved has loved me. And I'm scared to be alone. Deserae, Bridget, Matt, David, maybe some others I'm not sure about. Not one of them has felt for me the way i felt for them.
8:28 PM
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I left work at 4 and went to hang out with Kyle at the comic shop ‘til 7. I did that yesterday, too. Plus yesterday lunch. We’re getting to be better friends, I think. Yesterday he mentioned that he only had two friends. Well, he said “Adam, my OTHER friend out of the you two.” Or something like that. Anyway, he asks my advice on his girl situation. He wants a girlfriend but is too shy and insecure. For some reason. The latest girl he likes sits across the room in one of his classes. And yesterday, he thinks he found out that she has a boyfriend. Ihe said he usually likes girls he can’t have. I asked him if that’s the case ‘cause he knows he can’t have them and thus is safe. He just said “I dunno.”
Yesterday, he was wearing a blue and orange shirt and a blue and orange hat and the ladies at the comic shop (the owners) were telling him how cute he was that he matched. He got ALL red and took the hat off and was really embarrassed. I mean, really. He said he wasn’t wearing the hat anymore. Later, when we were leaving (just me and him) he looked at the hat and was like “That damned hat.” And I said, “Why is it a problem? There’s nothing wrong with matching.” Then I told him it was cute, laughing at him while I told him. He got red again. Later I asked if he didn’t like it ‘cause he was worried people would think him gay. He said yeah, and that the ladies at Wendy’s pissed him off one day when he was getting food ‘cause they were all like “Look how cute he is!”
I told him there was nothing wrong with being cute. He just sort of disagreed, in a sense. I dunno. He’s way cute. VERY. And he’s fun to be around. I don’t think I’m crushing on him anymore. Don’t want to date him or whatever. But he’s still good looking. We have an odd relationship, ‘cause he knows I liked him, and he knows I think he’s cute, but we hang out like regular, but then on IM’s we’ll get serious about his girl situation. It’s good but frustrating at the same time. I really, really think he might be gayish. (haha.) But I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. I’m just going on personal experience and all. Don’t want to stereotype. But there’s SOMETHING that makes him want to reaffirm his straightness. Maybe he was advanced upon by a guy when he was young or something. I dunno. I guess one day I’ll find out, or I won’t. He’s still caught up in being perfectly Christian and such, and I don’t think his values or anything have ever been challenged, and therefore he’s never examined them. I mean, he doesn’t read the Marvel MAX line ‘cause he gets somewhat offended by them. But then he’ll talk about how he and his ex-fiance’ were “fuck buddies” and all. (I also made a temporary rule with him a week ago that sex is an off-limits topic, ‘cause I didn’t think I would be able to take his talking about sex, ‘cause I’d want to know MORE, if you know what I mean..)
Anyway, he’s a cool guy and a fun friend. I wish I’d never have liked him, but I did so oh well. Now I just have to show that’s not why I’m friends with him, ‘cause I didn’t LIKE him until we were friends.
9:17 AM
Saturday, September 07, 2002
Went bowling and for dinner with Andrew. He was pretty hot tonight. Don't worry, no crush. He's just a good looking guy. I do think it's odd that he hasn't had a girlfriend...
Anyway. Kyle is torturing me again. Off to Blog on the public one.
11:58 PM
Friday, September 06, 2002
Well it looks like I maybe screwed up with Kyle. After the below conversation, he has ceased speaking to me. And hasn't gone "idle." So i don't know what he's doing. But I hate having things hang out like that. I'd rather him come online, say, sorry too weird and then block me or something. Rargh.
Why am I such a freaking idiot? Why did I feel the need (and I did!) to tell him I had a crush on him? I set it UP so he'd ask me. I did it on PURPOSE. Am I that sick and weird? I know that i wanted him to be really not sure about his sexuality and just wanted me to make the first 'move.' But apparently, as EVER, I am wrong.
I should just go be a monk or somehting an dlive in solitude.
4:49 PM
Watch the idiot, everyone....
BobTheDecoyFish (3:02:24 PM): How's it be, dog?
ViperSenn (3:02:29 PM): good you
BobTheDecoyFish (3:02:37 PM): I'm here! Working. Blah fun and such.
ViperSenn (3:02:54 PM): cool
BobTheDecoyFish (3:02:57 PM): Looking at photos of Heidi Klum
ViperSenn (3:04:06 PM): awesome work
BobTheDecoyFish (3:04:34 PM): lol
BobTheDecoyFish (3:05:33 PM): What did you learn in school today?
ViperSenn (3:05:55 PM): physics
BobTheDecoyFish (3:06:23 PM): cool stuff...
BobTheDecoyFish (3:06:24 PM): Busy?
BobTheDecoyFish (3:06:32 PM): Go here. Read up. Might help. http://www.mh18.com/section/0,3099,3,00.shtml
BobTheDecoyFish (3:06:39 PM): give you some ideas maybe
BobTheDecoyFish (3:09:02 PM): At any point you desire, by the way, you can tell me to not meddle in your 'personal" life.
ViperSenn (3:11:58 PM): nah its cool
ViperSenn (3:12:02 PM): there's like 3 girls i like right now
BobTheDecoyFish (3:12:08 PM): Oh?
BobTheDecoyFish (3:12:28 PM): Tell me about the one you like the most
ViperSenn (3:12:34 PM): i dunno which one that is
BobTheDecoyFish (3:13:06 PM): Okay. So pick one at random.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:13:12 PM): Where do you know her?
ViperSenn (3:16:22 PM): class
BobTheDecoyFish (3:16:44 PM): k
BobTheDecoyFish (3:17:50 PM): I was writing this long IM to you to make suggestions about things, but I think I'm overstepping my bounds. So I won't do anything like that unless you ever ask me.
ViperSenn (3:19:40 PM): im just trying to figure out if i really like one before i do anything
BobTheDecoyFish (3:21:00 PM): Why?
BobTheDecoyFish (3:21:22 PM): Obviously the interest is there enough. One date can't hurt. You're not committing to them.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:21:23 PM): Ya know?
BobTheDecoyFish (3:21:34 PM): This is all just my opinion, of course.
ViperSenn (3:23:52 PM): i know but thats just how i am
BobTheDecoyFish (3:24:13 PM): I know.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:24:19 PM): And you're way cool the way you are.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:24:34 PM): But I was working on the (maybe wrong) assumption that you wanted to be more 'outgoing' with the girls.
ViperSenn (3:25:08 PM): i just wanna find one
BobTheDecoyFish (3:26:10 PM): meaning I should just shut up about it..?
BobTheDecoyFish (3:29:51 PM): Sigh. Here's the deal. I have this annoying overwhelming wish for you to be 'happy' and so I'm just trying to help. So PLEASE tell me so if I shouldn't try. You don't have to be polite. You can be honest with me about anything. I prefer blatant honesty, actually.
ViperSenn (3:34:20 PM): sorry was finishing up a comic
ViperSenn (3:34:24 PM): here's the deal with me and girls
BobTheDecoyFish (3:34:26 PM): no prob
BobTheDecoyFish (3:34:29 PM): ok
ViperSenn (3:35:18 PM): i like em, and i know that some like me, but im super picky about the ones i like and im just nervous which im getting over lately
BobTheDecoyFish (3:35:56 PM): Well I'm glad you're getting over the nervoussness, 'cause (as far as I can tell) you have nothing to be nervous about.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:36:07 PM): And I understand about being picky. I'm picky about girls, too.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:37:42 PM): And believe me, yolu can afford to be more picky than I. I just ... I dunno. Maybe I should be quiet before I say somethign stupid.
ViperSenn (3:40:01 PM): ?
BobTheDecoyFish (3:41:35 PM): I'm saying that if I keep talking much, I'll likely say soemthing one of us will regret
ViperSenn (3:41:57 PM): what were you gonna say
BobTheDecoyFish (3:44:53 PM): Well, it's no secret I think you're attractive and all. And I don't know how much of my helping is helping or an excuse to talk with you. So having just said what i said, I've said too much. And I don't want you to feel weird about our friendship. And I feel g the envelope with you about ty, etc., and trying to get you to get over your nervousness and/or insecuritiies.
ViperSenn (3:46:54 PM): what was that last bit about the envelope thing
BobTheDecoyFish (3:48:59 PM): oh. sorry. my software acts up. "And I feel I'm pushing the envelope with you about ..." crap... what was that word.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:49:49 PM): crap. But maybe that will give yout he gist.
ViperSenn (3:51:56 PM): its just you gotta understand i only like girls and thats how its always gonna be, i really dont have a question or anything, i just havent had many girls cause i was too afraid of rejection and thats pretty much it
BobTheDecoyFish (3:52:57 PM): nooooooo
BobTheDecoyFish (3:53:00 PM): no no no
BobTheDecoyFish (3:53:03 PM): I don't expect us to date.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:53:06 PM): no
BobTheDecoyFish (3:53:09 PM): sorry. didn't mean that.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:53:27 PM): frankly, if you were into guys, I don't think you'd date me anyway, so that's not what i meant.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:54:43 PM): But I am attracted to you, so my point was that I'm trying to make sure I'm not sating stuff just for a chance to converse. I think you're cool. But I consider you a friend. And this dumb little crush will go away soon (mostly gone now) and that'll be that. But right now, I feel awkward and stuff which I know makes you feel awkward. I'm just an idiot, I guess.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:56:19 PM): And that's what I was saying I'd regret saying and you'd regret my having saidf it 'cause now everything will be all awkward and stuff and I don't want it to be.
ViperSenn (3:57:01 PM): i already knew you liked me, but just try not to let it change how you think, whats weird is this is the 2nd time ive had this kinda talk in the past couple days
ViperSenn (3:57:13 PM): the other one was this chick from work
BobTheDecoyFish (3:57:21 PM): See? People do like you.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:57:24 PM):
BobTheDecoyFish (3:57:31 PM): I guess, just the wrong people.
BobTheDecoyFish (3:57:48 PM): But... you shouldn't fear rejection. It isn't always bad. And you're a cute guy with a good personality and good qualities and you should be confident in yourself, 'cause you're a cool person.
ViperSenn (3:58:27 PM): the thing is about those 3 girls i talked about, i think all are probably interested
BobTheDecoyFish (3:58:36 PM): Then go for it, man!
BobTheDecoyFish (3:58:49 PM): What's wrong? What's holding you back?
ViperSenn (3:59:25 PM): just trying to figure if i really like em
BobTheDecoyFish (4:00:01 PM): why wouldn't you?
ViperSenn (4:01:25 PM): i dunno
BobTheDecoyFish (4:01:40 PM): [And, sorry for 'liking you.' I never intended it. I guess I have nothing to say about it except I hope you're not offended, etc., and it doesn't reflect upon our friendship.]
BobTheDecoyFish (4:01:49 PM): Okay. I assume they are cute?
BobTheDecoyFish (4:01:58 PM): And there's SOEMTHING about their personalities you like?
BobTheDecoyFish (4:02:03 PM): Obviosuly, you don't KNOW them yet.
BobTheDecoyFish (4:02:30 PM): But if you're wanting to know them first, why not just go up to them after class one day? Or sit next to them in class and maybe smile at them a couple times.
BobTheDecoyFish (4:02:46 PM): [and and take all compliments as just statements, too, please... like:
BobTheDecoyFish (4:02:50 PM): You have a nice smile, so it won't hurt.
BobTheDecoyFish (4:05:23 PM): then just say Hey and ask her major. Then you're in, cause she'll likely ask yours. And then you can give your crazy story of how you're trying to figure it out or somehting.
BobTheDecoyFish (4:07:36 PM): ya make me nervous when you go quiet for a while.
BobTheDecoyFish (4:07:44 PM): IM me when/if you get a chance.
4:17 PM
Thursday, September 05, 2002
I haven't said much about Kyle. I had a crush on him. He's way cute. But he's straight. But anyway. One last thing (for now)... He leads a really sheltered life. Like, is 'disgusted' by a comic where some lewd things are done (but ina comedic tone). But anyway, that's sort of cute, too. That he's, like, so innocent. Anyway. I dunno.
4:56 PM
HarlowsEnd (8:33:23 AM): gaaaah!
BobTheDecoyFish (8:33:37 AM): What? You didn't like it?
HarlowsEnd (8:33:48 AM): no, it was funny!
HarlowsEnd (8:33:54 AM): thanks!
BobTheDecoyFish (8:34:03 AM): yeah
HarlowsEnd (8:34:04 AM): it just freaked me out for a sec!
BobTheDecoyFish (8:34:08 AM): LOL
HarlowsEnd (8:34:22 AM): but s'cool
BobTheDecoyFish (8:34:25 AM): I sent the EPS so you can have it out put at ANY SIZE you need. I was thinking a large poster, framed... in the dining room...
HarlowsEnd (8:34:45 AM): er...
BobTheDecoyFish (8:34:59 AM):
BobTheDecoyFish (8:35:07 AM): Happy Birthday, Douglas.
HarlowsEnd (8:35:21 AM): actually, i will print it out and display it at my b-day party next weekend
BobTheDecoyFish (8:35:27 AM): cool
BobTheDecoyFish (8:35:29 AM):
HarlowsEnd (8:35:32 AM): thanks, nick!!!
BobTheDecoyFish (8:35:38 AM): welcome, of course
HarlowsEnd (8:36:11 AM): now, if only i can get all my male friends to whip out their dicks as my b-day present at the party, lol
BobTheDecoyFish (8:36:34 AM): lol!!!
HarlowsEnd (8:36:43 AM): that happened one year
HarlowsEnd (8:36:59 AM): and my cute mexican friend tino (str8) even showed me his!
HarlowsEnd (8:37:10 AM): alas, tino has found a girl and god now.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:37:27 AM): Ah
HarlowsEnd (8:37:45 AM): no more booze or pot for him. and he's all self-righteous
BobTheDecoyFish (8:37:46 AM): good thing you got to see it when you did
HarlowsEnd (8:38:11 AM): yes, it's provided a j/o fantasy a couple times
HarlowsEnd (8:39:11 AM): didgital webbing has my b-day up as a pro b-day, yay!
BobTheDecoyFish (8:39:28 AM): Wow cool!
HarlowsEnd (8:39:48 AM):
BobTheDecoyFish (8:39:56 AM): So how old are ya?
HarlowsEnd (8:40:07 AM): oh stop
HarlowsEnd (8:40:41 AM): u know
BobTheDecoyFish (8:41:18 AM): You have to tell me.
HarlowsEnd (8:41:33 AM): don't... make... me... say.. it...
BobTheDecoyFish (8:41:40 AM): OKay okay
HarlowsEnd (8:41:45 AM): 34
BobTheDecoyFish (8:41:45 AM): What, 26, 27?
BobTheDecoyFish (8:41:47 AM):
HarlowsEnd (8:41:50 AM): there? are you happy???!!!!
BobTheDecoyFish (8:41:55 AM): Yah.
HarlowsEnd (8:42:12 AM): but i got carded to go to a casino in new orleans
BobTheDecoyFish (8:42:20 AM): that's cool!
BobTheDecoyFish (8:42:24 AM): heh
HarlowsEnd (8:43:00 AM): did u watch american idol last night?
BobTheDecoyFish (8:43:44 AM): No. I was asleep.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:43:46 AM): Read your mail some times.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:43:49 AM):
HarlowsEnd (8:44:22 AM): oh, duh... i did read it
BobTheDecoyFish (8:44:29 AM):
HarlowsEnd (8:44:45 AM): sorry u didn't get to chat
HarlowsEnd (8:44:52 AM): and sorry the burger got cold.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:45:07 AM): That's his problem (the burger)
BobTheDecoyFish (8:45:13 AM): He's promised to take the trash off for two weeks now.
HarlowsEnd (8:45:16 AM): heh
BobTheDecoyFish (8:45:21 AM): Today, I said "Take the trash off today, please."
HarlowsEnd (8:45:34 AM): do you mean take the trash OUT?
BobTheDecoyFish (8:45:35 AM): And I said, specifically, I'll see you tonight." Which I never say.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:45:40 AM): No. Off. Rural.
HarlowsEnd (8:45:42 AM): (must be a southern thang)
HarlowsEnd (8:45:44 AM): ah
BobTheDecoyFish (8:45:55 AM): So he got my note 'cause the burger was gone.
HarlowsEnd (8:46:08 AM): so, do u think u will talk tonight?
BobTheDecoyFish (8:46:11 AM): So... we'll see. People always get nervous when I say I want to talk.
HarlowsEnd (8:46:18 AM): LOL
BobTheDecoyFish (8:46:31 AM): 'Cause I'm always so damned serious.
HarlowsEnd (8:46:41 AM): ya think?
BobTheDecoyFish (8:46:44 AM): But tonight I just want to tell him I want to hang out more, and if he does, too, to please make an effort.
HarlowsEnd (8:47:04 AM): tonight kickball starts again
BobTheDecoyFish (8:47:08 AM): And we'll see where it goes from there. I'll hit ont he sexuality thing... Say "If you're upset about my sexuality or something, just tell me."
HarlowsEnd (8:47:25 AM): that's good... see where that goes
BobTheDecoyFish (8:47:36 AM): yah
BobTheDecoyFish (8:47:49 AM): He's probably the person in my life I've known the longest, you know.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:47:58 AM): For about 10 years
HarlowsEnd (8:48:08 AM): all the more reason to clear teh air.
HarlowsEnd (8:48:39 AM): hey, you'll be in san diego again next year, right?
BobTheDecoyFish (8:50:21 AM): in theory
HarlowsEnd (8:50:29 AM): lol, ok
BobTheDecoyFish (8:50:41 AM): why asketh?
HarlowsEnd (8:50:59 AM): i was just thinking about how we sorta missed our opportunity to "bond" this year
BobTheDecoyFish (8:52:04 AM): Well, in ALL truth, I'd rather have hung out than fool around. That would be bonding to me. But yeah, playing around we sort of missed, too.
HarlowsEnd (8:52:15 AM): i meant both
HarlowsEnd (8:52:53 AM): but i still think about the bathroom and sorta extrapolate and fantasize.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:53:55 AM): oh? I just remember my high level of embarrassment.
HarlowsEnd (8:54:22 AM): i thought it was hot... which i've told u
BobTheDecoyFish (8:54:46 AM): I know. And I thought it would be.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:54:53 AM): But we won't get into all that 'cause we know how I felt and all...
HarlowsEnd (8:54:57 AM): and i loved the fact that i got to see you... your dick... in person after alla the pics
HarlowsEnd (8:55:06 AM): i know, we don't haveta get into it
HarlowsEnd (8:55:31 AM): just wanted u to know that i still think abotu it, and it gets me hard, replaying it
BobTheDecoyFish (8:55:49 AM): It's just that it was my first time fooling around in public, then your LOOK ON YOUR FACE. Gah.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:55:56 AM): Well, I appreciate that fact, though.
HarlowsEnd (8:56:05 AM): dummy... the look was cuz we had to stop
BobTheDecoyFish (8:56:19 AM): i know. but I didn't at the time.
BobTheDecoyFish (8:57:11 AM): But anyway...
BobTheDecoyFish (8:57:16 AM): I feel dumb thinking about it...
HarlowsEnd (8:57:51 AM): no, remember the cool part
BobTheDecoyFish (8:58:07 AM): Can't
HarlowsEnd (8:58:10 AM): and j/o sometime over it. then i'd be happy
HarlowsEnd (8:58:53 AM): crap, i'm getting hard
BobTheDecoyFish (8:59:30 AM): Well I could make up an entirely new scenario to get me going. But I think the bathroom idea is not going to go over well.
HarlowsEnd (8:59:41 AM): lol, no prob.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:00:05 AM): :/
HarlowsEnd (9:00:17 AM): just don't feel bad about it, cause i have a cool memory of it. not quite what we wanted, but hot in its own way, at least to me.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:00:29 AM): well, i'm glad for that
BobTheDecoyFish (9:00:34 AM):
HarlowsEnd (9:00:34 AM): and i want you to feel good about that, knowing that i thought it was damn cool.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:00:46 AM): Well I feel good about thatpart, yeah
HarlowsEnd (9:00:49 AM): ok
BobTheDecoyFish (9:01:22 AM): I think I'm too 'new' at all this to be able to perform well in a non-intimate environment. I mean, look how "well" I did the first time in a very intimate environment.
HarlowsEnd (9:01:24 AM): i love you, nick. thanks for being my friend.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:01:30 AM): maybe I just suck at sex. No pun intended.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:01:38 AM): Wow, thanks, Doug. Thanks a lot!
HarlowsEnd (9:01:48 AM): and you're just fine, i'm sure
HarlowsEnd (9:02:06 AM): but i'll be happy to let you practice on me next time
BobTheDecoyFish (9:02:38 AM): Well, on the guy side of things... One guy fucked me and left, the next guy just got up and left, and then i couldn't get hard in a bathroom. So I'm not exactly batting a thousand.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:02:42 AM):
HarlowsEnd (9:03:26 AM): well, we woulda done better
BobTheDecoyFish (9:04:02 AM): heh
HarlowsEnd (9:04:55 AM): so i should go, prolly
HarlowsEnd (9:05:00 AM): but i wanted to say thanks
BobTheDecoyFish (9:05:05 AM): oh okay
BobTheDecoyFish (9:05:11 AM): no problem. It wasn't that hard to do, honestly.
HarlowsEnd (9:05:13 AM): hopefully i'll be on a lil later
BobTheDecoyFish (9:05:16 AM): And again, happy birthday
HarlowsEnd (9:05:20 AM): yeah
BobTheDecoyFish (9:05:20 AM): Cool. I'll se eyou then.
HarlowsEnd (9:05:41 AM): i dunno why, i feel all happy and close to you at this moment
HarlowsEnd (9:05:56 AM): so i'm glad i came on
BobTheDecoyFish (9:06:19 AM): Wow, thanks. That means SO much
HarlowsEnd (9:06:25 AM): i'm glad
BobTheDecoyFish (9:06:33 AM): I'm glad you came on, too.
HarlowsEnd (9:06:50 AM): i wish i was gonna be home tonight to maybe talk before/after your talk w/daniel
HarlowsEnd (9:07:03 AM): but i have kickball
BobTheDecoyFish (9:07:23 AM): Yeah. The sentiment is enough,t hough, believe me. I'll email you or message you. Or both.
HarlowsEnd (9:07:30 AM): ok.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:07:44 AM): Have a great day. You deserve it.
HarlowsEnd (9:07:48 AM): and sometime soon, we'll have to see what we can do about your j/o problem
BobTheDecoyFish (9:08:00 AM): yeah. those damned quick sessions... :/
HarlowsEnd (9:08:21 AM): see, we haven't done it together in a while
BobTheDecoyFish (9:08:30 AM): heh
HarlowsEnd (9:08:54 AM): bye, pal. thanks.
HarlowsEnd (9:09:10 AM): and feel a little better about yourself and your place in the world, okay?
BobTheDecoyFish (9:09:17 AM): Trying to.
BobTheDecoyFish (9:09:26 AM):
HarlowsEnd (9:10:07 AM): i know at least one person who values your friendship, thinks you're cute, have a great cock, and loves you
HarlowsEnd (9:10:08 AM): lol
HarlowsEnd (9:10:16 AM): what else could u want
BobTheDecoyFish (9:10:18 AM): awww
BobTheDecoyFish (9:10:22 AM): that made me smile
HarlowsEnd (9:10:25 AM): good!
HarlowsEnd (9:10:45 AM): i better go, before i get more mushy and/or horny
BobTheDecoyFish (9:10:52 AM): heh okay
BobTheDecoyFish (9:10:56 AM): be good.
HarlowsEnd (9:10:57 AM): later, gator (road)
BobTheDecoyFish (9:11:00 AM): lol!
HarlowsEnd (9:11:02 AM):
“HarlowsEnd” signed off at 9:11:05 AM.
9:13 AM
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
I wanted to speak to Daniel about a lot of stuff, and was gonna do so tonight. Was gonna talk about how we don't hang out and he seems to not care. Among other things, like everyhting that has gone on in the past. Daniel was, of course, asleep when I got home. So I put the burger I bought for him and a note asking him to talk to me in his room. I fell asleep around 8 due to being up so late the previous night, so when I woke at 11:25 (missing my show at 11!) I figured he’d come to the door, knocked, and then left. So I went to get a drink, and his TV was still on, meaning he was still here. I went to his door, and the burger was still the same, and he was asleep. Meaning he’d never moved. He’s supposed to lave at 10. I woke him and he said “Oh shit.” He’s been sleeping way too much lately, IMO.
Anyway, I obviously didn’t speak to him.
I did call David yesterday on the way home. He answered. Let me fill you in really quick on something before I finish that story: when he worked at a restaurant recently, Andrew stupidly took two credit cards and got caught after they went missing and were driven up. They were both traced back to Andrew’s shift/area and both cards had been used at the same places. I remember Andrew excited that he’d bought an XBOX, then after all this went down, he mysteriously ‘returned’ it. I know this ‘cause Matt worked at the same restaurant and told me the night I told Matt about David. David was involved in this whole thing somehow, but to the extent, I don’t know.
So I’m talking to David and he asks me if I’ve spoken to Andrew. I hadn’t recently, and said so, and David told me he hadn’t either. I didn’t take it weird, so then David said, “IN fact, about two months.” I was surprised (genuinely) and asked why not. He said their friendship was pretty much over. I said, knowing what might have caused it, that I hoped the reconciled. He said he didn’t want to reconcile. So I then become curious, and asked what happened, as I would normally. He said he couldn’t tell me right now. So I said okay. But he said something about something stupid being done.
So after that and some other small talk about his aquarium he’s making and how work is and how the firehouse is, we were getting off the phone. I said for him to give me a call some time, seriously, that we should hang out. He said “Yeah” and said he’d call and would see me online “soon.”
I know him well enough to take his promise to call with a grain of salt. It upsets me IF he tells me those things just to be polite. I’d rather him say he can’t hang out if he doesn’t want to. No hopes then. Plus, I realized he never asks me how I am anymore. He used to ask me how I was, how things were going, little specific things. No more. Maybe that will change. I really DO think I still want to be just friends. IF David were to figure things out and be okay about himself, I know that he’d never want to ‘date’ me, so I’m not even putting hopes there. But I guess you never know and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. But he does have a lot of problems and I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t like to help him through them....
Incidentally, I jacked off twice this evening, within an hour or so of each other. BUT my j/o sessions are going very quickly— like MAYBE 10 minutes or so... SOMETIMES a half hour. I don’t like this idea. It seems like what I’m seeing isn’t really making me want to see more, or I’m ready to just orgasm and move on. And of course, my mind is turning it over and over.
Nick
11:55 PM
Doug emailed back. Doesn't hate me. I feel better. I still feel bad. I need to figure stuff out. Maybe medicate myself. Or get medication, I mean.
11:02 AM
I sent that email to Doug late last night and he hasn't responded yet. I know he got it. I feel like crap. I know he hates me now. I never meant it.
10:31 AM
This is an email I sent to Doug today after an entire day of feeling horrible...
I need to get stuff out and no one else can hear this stuff or will listen or cares. Just let me ramble. You don’t have to respond or say anything. I just needed to say it.
Kyle. Man, I’m so stupid. I’m crushing on him and I know it won’t happen, and I don’t want to but I just am so alone and when I think of someone I like I just start imagining all this stuff and it gets big in my head when it’s really just small in real life. We had that great conversation and I thought we connected. But we didn’t. Or we aren’t anymore. I mean, here was this guy who liked the same stuff I liked and who felt the same way I felt some times. But he doesn’t seem to like to talk to me. Just doesn’t mind it. I tried to explain some things to him, and he was cool with it all. I mean, like, why I was being “clingy” or whatever. That I was just bored. It went right through him. And tonight, I tried to get him to talk but all he did was answer my questions. And when I tried to ask him how he felt about religion, he just told me what religion he is. So I’m getting over the crush, but I still feel alone and stupid for having it.
I’m reading a book I bought today. It’s called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It’s a book full of ‘letters’ from a 16-y-o named Charlie to some unknown ‘friend.’ They are sort of day-to-day things. It takes place in the 90s, early, and the kid is about the same age I was. A little older. But anyway, a lot of what is going on is really deeply affecting me. Like, the way he sees things. He’s a kid who sort of sits back and observes. And his teacher keeps telling him not to think so much but he can’t help it. And he cries and feels things and loves things from afar and is curious about stuff and people and all.
I feel very alone all the time. I try to surround myself with friends, but don’t feel any real connection to any of them anymore, except Mordechai some, ‘cause he’ll listen to me. I don’t even feel connected to you anymore. I don’t blame you. I know you can’t help it. I don’t mean that. I don’t know what I mean. I feel control of my inner life slipping form me and I can’t grab it fast enough and it’s like made of water or something. And I am trying so hard to feel connected to someone, ‘cause I know that if I’m not connected to someone soon, I’ll go crazy. It’s the only way I can make it through things... To have someone there who wants to hear and listen and just be there. It could be a friend or a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Just anyone who loves me and wants to comfort me. I don’t feel like there’s anyone who wants to do that. And I have so much on my shoulders right now and I can’t take it much longer and it hurts to be alone. I feel depressed for the first time in months. I’ve felt it building, though.
Back to Kyle. I guess I was hoping maybe I’d have a connection with him. Not a romance. Just a connection that we’d cherish and enjoy. It wouldn’t even have to always be deep. Just something there we understood. But I was an idiot as usual. I’m always an idiot. A fool.
Syd. Matt M’s ex girlfriend and a friend of mine. I’ll spare you the convoluted and scarring history. Lots of ramifications. Almost ruined my friendship with Matt and did ruin my friendship with matt’s sister Ev for a long time. Anyway, Syd and I made up a while back. But we haven’t spoken in months. So she IMs me today out of nowhere— she’s not even on my buddy list anymore— and I get sort of excited ‘cause she’s a friend, you know? And I was all typing “Hey how ya been?” When she just asks me a damned question about Excel. And I got really depressed again. So I just deleted the query and said I didn’t know how to help her. I tried to help her anyway, though. Maybe ‘cause I’m a nice guy or maybe ‘cause I’m desperate to be liked.
Matt McCurdy. I miss being close to him. As a friend, I mean. We don’t talk anymore. And conversations like we had that night near my birthday before San Diego just make it harder, ‘cause it reminds me of how close can be. He’s my best friend. Was. Is? I dunno. He kept me from some really bad places in life, just by being who he is. And I know he never wanted to. I know he didn’t like it. All the weight of my problems placed on the shoulders of a kid. And I don’t feel as if he knows or cares that he probably saved my life. I mean, I know he does. But I don’t think he FEELS it. And that upsets me ‘cause it’s SO important to me. I miss my friend and I’m scared he doesn’t miss me. So I’m trying to give him his space, ‘cause that usually helps and he appreciates the time with me more.
You. I lied to you. Well, I didn’t tell you the truth. And it’s hard to admit it. And I’ve warred with it for months. But I was so unsure and scared to begin with that I wasn’t truthful and then it just snowballed and I really hate myself for it. I’ve always been really attracted to guys same time as girls. Through high school. Had crushes on guys. Even while I was in love with Bridget. I knew. Always knew since I was sexually aware. In high school, too, I realized how nice Daniel’s package was and we fooled around, but he pretended to be asleep. This happened a lot. Even in college some when he’d visit. The last time it happened I went down on him, with him ‘asleep’. I got sick afterward, cause I swallowed and we know how I feel about cum. I also felt very guilty. I’m sorry, Doug. I am. I don’t know what else to say. I preached honesty and expected the same from you and I lied the whole time. The whole time. I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m really sorry I’m so worthless and stupid.
I gotta go.
I’m sorry.
Nick
10:28 AM
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