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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Saturday, April 05, 2003
Letter to Kyle....
Okay. Pure honesty now. I know I?ve been difficult and I?m trying to work through it. I know why it?s going on. You might have guessed. I developed feelings for you that were substantial and confusing and annoying. Thus my jealousy issues.
I know. Believe me, I know. I know this doesn?t make our friendship ANY easier. Hell, I don?t even know what my admitting this will do to our friendship. I?m hoping it?s something we?ll make through, though.
I want you to know this because I?ve always believed in honesty. And to tell you why I?m being such a hard person to deal with and not tell you this would be dishonest. And I value our friendship so much that I would sacrifice it (although I hope I don?t) so that it remains real. All of that made no sense. But I think you understand.
I?m getting over it. I know that?s likely not to be believed. I mainly confused my feelings for you. I?ve made no secret about how great of a person you are. And you ARE. And it kills me when you don?t seem to believe it, because I can do nothing about it or for you. And believe me, I know having feelings for you is stupid on my part. Pointless. I can?t help it. I?m down to just residual stuff now, though. The time recently when we haven?t talked much has actually helped in that respect.
I honestly don?t? know how you?ll take this. I like to think our friendship will come out of it okay. But I know it?s awkward and weird and uncomfortable. But it?s harmless. I?m not going to jump you or anything. I?m not going to do anything like that. I never would. I know you know that but I wanted to remind you. I respect you too much.
I kept telling myself that this would burn out. I mean, it?s basically just a severe crush. You?re unattainable, for all intents and purposes. That?s one of the reasons I was gung ho about getting you a date. I knew that if you were happy, I wouldn?t feel like I was being relied on. And then, I wouldn?t have that particular attachment and then I could transfer what I was feeling. And then everyone would be happy. (I hope that makes sense.)
Just keep in mind, also, that another factor is that I?m leaving soon. VERY soon. And you?re such an important person in my life. We won?t be able to do anything but chat on IM?s in like six weeks. I feel worried our friendship will fade. That?s why I?m trying to hang out more and so more stuff. To get what I can out of the time I have left. But you never have time or want to do anything. But then almost every night you have free, someone?s hanging out at your house. And I feel left out. Like I thought we were more friends than we are. And I know intellectually it?s not like that.
So, unfortunately, I have to put the ball in your court. Like I said, it?s mostly gone. Just residuals left. I?ve just been very frustrated ?cause I?m trying to work through this and we?re being distant and you?ll be talking to me and just go ?away? without even saying later or bye or whatever. And I know I?ve brought it on myself. NONE OF THIS is a reflection on you. You?ve been superb. But now you have to make a decision. If I haven?t heard from you by then, I won?t stop by Tuesday (or Wednesday, etc.). But I hope to hear from you. I hope we can remain good friends and maybe work our way back to best friends.
Nick
9:02 PM
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